The story I’ve not yet told you

There’s a part of my life, a story, that I’ve not yet told you. And now, feels like the right time to tell it.

I know that this story wants to be told, I’ve known it for some time. The problem I’ve been encountering, is how to tell it, AND, the reason behind why I want to tell it. You see, it’s not something I feel clear on, certain about, or something that I completely understand. It’s more like, the not telling of it, is proving too heavy to hold. I feel a need to share it, that I want to share it, for myself, for you, for all of us. I want to lay this down.

It is interesting to me, also, when I look around, I see a pattern, a movement, a necessity… certainly within the personal development/coaching arena, for us to be open and honest and transparent about our lives. I have a curiosity about all that too… about what it’s ‘right’ to share, and if that’s everything, AND… as well, about the timing and motivation for sharing. I think that’s why I have hesitated, before, to tell you this part of my story.

I want to make sure that I am telling it with as much of a pure heart as I can bring.

I don’t want any of my sharings to be some sort of confession type things, or… for them to be infused with judgement, about myself, or others.

I want to share the things I share with you, from the place of there being nothing that I, or you, or any of us,  ever need to feel unsafe or fearful or shameful, about sharing.

It is my desire, to unite, any parts of myself that I find it would be more comfortable to disown, AND… it is also my desire, that we all hold it in our hearts, to allow each other to truly, fully, be, ALL of who we are… feeling safe to show even the bits of us that we would feel more comfortable not to show.

So, to begin, a little background may be useful…

My Dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack in 2007. Things in our family appeared to change, to unravel, pretty soon after that. Although, looking back now, I’m pretty sure things were, in reality, only just about hanging together beforehand.

To cut a long story short, my brother has not been in contact with me since 2010, and now, in the past 12 months, I haven’t spoken with my sister.

In some ways, I’m ok with that, in some ways, I’m not.

Where I find myself, is in an experience of some of the people, the ones who are my blood relations, not being the people who I connect with, feel close to, or can easily relate to. Instead, I have a small number of friendships that feel much more like family to me than my own brother and sister. For me, certainly, it’s time to call B*** S*** on the myth that family means we stick together, no matter what.

Indeed, if I stay in a cycle of being at the effect of, and on the receiving end of, a lack of love and care from my family, then I simultaneously partake in my own abuse. Instead, I have chosen, for now, to rest in my knowing, that I have done my best. I see that, none of that ‘doing my best’ has meant my brother and my sister are in my life. With my sister, it is an unspoken, more mutual choice. My brother clearly cut all contact. I accept that, for now, I have done all I can do. From my viewpoint, both my siblings, seem to avoid, I’m sure unknowingly, what it is that holds the most potential for them in their lives. I say that, not intending to stand in judgement, but because it alerts me to pay close attention to myself.

I am constantly looking out for any ways in which I am not standing fully in the responsibility of my own circumstances. I am witness to the pain that is evident, when we try to side step what is staring us in the face, what is calling to be felt, said, done. Indeed, I have experienced such pain at times over the course of my own life… illness being the manifestation of my denial and refusal to see and to speak up.

At all times, I strive to hold both my brother and sister in love, to see them through compassionate eyes, and to be at peace in our not being in communication. Sometimes, I feel the grief of not having in my life, the two people who I vowed to be there for. Other times, I sense the freedom that this holds… after all, it is true that I am not responsible for anyone other than myself.

As this part of my story unfolds, I may decide to share more of it with you, and I may not. It is intensely personal, and I ask that you receive my words here with grace. I do not claim to have it all figured out, and, I know that now is the time to share this one.

I wonder,

Are there things that you find it uncomfortable to talk about?

I’m curious about,

What would happen if you did (even if it’s with just one carefully chosen, trusted other)?

For sure, “the truth will set you free”.

I invite you to keep telling the truth, always… to yourself, and, always… for yourself.

Catherine

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