Rumblings of Wholeness

Recently, I have been experiencing what wholeness means, in a deeper way than I think ever before. I have written about my experiences in a series of three blogs. This is the first one.

If you’re a person who lives most of your life in the light, and find it difficult to go to those darker places, I invite you to read these blogs about my recent journey into darkness.

My intention in writing, is to share what I have discovered about the joys of wholeness.

Part One of a Three Part Blog

I decided to break this down into three separate sharings, it’s quite long and I didn’t want to shorten it in any way.

I will post the next two blogs over the next two days.

Rumblings of Wholeness

A few weeks ago, it felt like the lid came off, and what felt like a bottomless well of sadness surged up inside of me.

Out of the blue, and for no rational or obvious reason that my mind could pin point, I kept finding myself crying tears of what felt like deep sadness.

One morning, as my husband simply held me in his arms and I allowed my tears to fall, without explaining them or censoring them or looking to find a reason for them, I saw some things that I would like to share with you here. I feel a little tentative and exposed as I invite you in to this tender part of my heart.

That morning as I cried, I first felt the pain of my childhood, when at the start of every new school term, I would cry. I remembered the pain of feeling so alone, and completely out of place, and always fearful, in the school I went to for 7 years.

I also recalled, how, I wasn’t comforted or held by either of my parents. I was sent off to school, still in tears, feeling even more alone and abandoned.

Through those days, I realize, I must have learned how to survive, how to fit in, and how to cope, in a place where I felt so ‘different’.

That morning, as I cried in my husband’s arms, I also recalled my Nan. A woman, who to me, was a true gentlewoman. She was gentle, and light hearted, with a yen for fun and playfulness. Her eyes twinkled, often. She had an ample bosom, and her cuddles were balm for me on many occasions. Her good nature and patient acceptance, of her life that was not always easy, or as thrilling and exciting as I sometimes wondered if she might have occasionally wished for, is an inspiration for me.

As I let my tears fall, I connected with my heart, and the over riding thread that seems to have run throughout my life, from the very beginning of my memories.

That thread I call ‘connection’.

It is the thing that seems to link so many of the pieces of my experiences.

As I continued, that morning, to offer no words for my tears, I saw, how, for some people, it is ok to leave situations and places that are uncomfortable, or painful, or difficult for them to stay in, and, I saw, for me, how I have often stayed, and that I have become skilled at coping in places that feel alien. I saw too, how, I want to keep walking the path of learning how to be someone whose presence creates the opportunities for shifts, and even for healing, in alien places.

As I lay there, in bed, in London, a place I have never really felt I truly belong, I smiled at remembering the message on the T-shirt of a woman I passed in the airport the day previously, ‘You are exactly where you are supposed to be’. Then, later that day, a poster in the window of a neighbour’s house, saying, ‘Believe in yourself’. Both those signs struck me, and resonated.

I will post Part Two tomorrow.

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