Recently, I have been experiencing what wholeness means, in a deeper way than I think ever before. I have written about my experiences in a series of three blogs. This is the third one.
If you’re a person who lives most of your life in the light, and find it difficult to go to those darker places, I invite you to read these blogs about my recent journey into darkness.
My intention in writing it is to share what I have discovered about the joys of wholeness. If you missed Parts One and Two you can find them here on my blog.
Part Three of a Three Part Blog
Welcome, Darkness, and with her, a bountiful harvest of fruits
In Part Two of this blog series, I shared how I thought I was through the feelings of heaviness, overwhelm and bleakness. I thought I had successfully navigated my way back to a space of ease and lightness. As it turned out, I was wrong.
A day or so later, I woke up once again, enveloped in sadness. I felt lacking in enthusiasm or my usual desire for life. I didn’t want to do, anything. And, rather than doing what I have been conditioned to do, and pushing through, I went swimming in the sea instead. Afterwards, I as I showered and dried off, I felt refreshed and energized. I felt enlivened, and, I was curious.
The previous day we had found two dead bats in our house and I found myself wondering what the presence of bats in my life might mean. Animals often show up in our lives with a potent message. When I googled ‘bat medicine’, I discovered, that, sure enough, the bat comes into our life carrying wisdom. For me, the message is timely.
Bats are all about us learning to navigate in the darkness. They can also be present when we are transitioning from who we were, to who we are. Both of these things feel current and relevant to me, especially as I transition through menopause.
If that wasn’t enough of an indicator, then this is the view I woke up to this morning.
At first, I noticed the clear, bright beauty, and the colours of the sky. Then it struck me. Without the, almost black, silhoueted trees below, the sky would never have appeared so strikingly light. Without the dark, we can not fully appreciate the light.
And so it is, in our lives.
I realise I have spent all of my life trying to get away from any feelings of sadness, despair, and negativity. I see how I have always valued, and preferred, the lighter, brighter, emotions over those heavier places. I can now fully see, that, without the dark, it is impossible, to truly delight in life. Together, light and dark, they are wholeness. In a instant I felt liberated, I no longer wanted to get away from what feels dark within me. And, what I noticed has happened since, is that my not resisting those feelings, means, I am finding relief. As I embrace the dark, I discover her fruit of freedom.
And so, I am back to where I began, and I am inspired to share with you some encouragement. If, you are willing to stay the course of wholeness, including all of the dark, as my experience is unfolding, I can tell you there is a reward. There is liberation that can be found in wholeness.
As well, I noticed that one word kept coming up.
That word is ‘bereft’.
I kept hearing myself say it, “I feel bereft”.
So, I got curious.
‘What does it mean?’ I wondered.
‘What am I really saying, when I say those words, I feel bereft?’ I asked.
Here’s what I found… and this in the context of a sentence that beautifully creates a picture that resonates for me.
“Her room was stark and bereft of colour”
“Yes!” I thought, “I have been feeling stark, and bereft of colour.”
Looking further, here’s what I discovered…
Synomyms of bereft are, deprived of, robbed of, stripped of, cut off, devoid of, bankrupt of, in need of, lacking, without.
I also found that there is a connection to the word ‘bereave’, which is also connected to the word ‘deprive’.
All of that is true.
I have been feeling deprived and lacking.
The thing is. I thought it was from things outside of myself.
What I now see it this…
I have been depriving myself of parts of myself, and the time had obviously come for me to grieve those parts. And then, I see, to reclaim and embrace them.
As I have been with my sadness over these past few weeks, doing what I don’t normally do, which is allowing it, fully. Not trying to make it better, or to escape it in any way. At first I saw glimmers, light shining through the cracks.
For my whole life, I saw that I have denied my shadows and the dark places. Yes, for sure I have tried to allow them. And, I have even thought, at times, I have allowed them. And maybe I have, to some degree.
This though, has been deeper. Going right to the heart of my heart. I feel liberated, and therefore joyous too. All the time I have been afraid of the darkness, I see I have been missing the liberation and joy of embracing her.