Welcome, Darkness, and with her, a bountiful harvest of fruits

Recently, I have been experiencing what wholeness means, in a deeper way than I think ever before. I have written about my experiences in a series of three blogs. This is the third one.

If you’re a person who lives most of your life in the light, and find it difficult to go to those darker places, I invite you to read these blogs about my recent journey into darkness.

My intention in writing it is to share what I have discovered about the joys of wholeness. If you missed Parts One and Two you can find them here on my blog.

Part Three of a Three Part Blog

Welcome, Darkness, and with her, a bountiful harvest of fruits

In Part Two of this blog series, I shared how I thought I was through the feelings of heaviness, overwhelm and bleakness. I thought I had successfully navigated my way back to a space of ease and lightness. As it turned out, I was wrong.

A day or so later, I woke up once again, enveloped in sadness. I felt lacking in enthusiasm or my usual desire for life. I didn’t want to do, anything. And, rather than doing what I have been conditioned to do, and pushing through, I went swimming in the sea instead. Afterwards, I as I showered and dried off, I felt refreshed and energized. I felt enlivened, and, I was curious.

The previous day we had found two dead bats in our house and I found myself wondering what the presence of bats in my life might mean. Animals often show up in our lives with a potent message. When I googled ‘bat medicine’, I discovered, that, sure enough, the bat comes into our life carrying wisdom. For me, the message is timely.

Bats are all about us learning to navigate in the darkness. They can also be present when we are transitioning from who we were, to who we are. Both of these things feel current and relevant to me, especially as I transition through menopause.

If that wasn’t enough of an indicator, then this is the view I woke up to this morning.


At first, I noticed the clear, bright beauty, and the colours of the sky. Then it struck me. Without the, almost black, silhoueted trees below, the sky would never have appeared so strikingly light. Without the dark, we can not fully appreciate the light.

And so it is, in our lives.

I realise I have spent all of my life trying to get away from any feelings of sadness, despair, and negativity. I see how I have always valued, and preferred, the lighter, brighter, emotions over those heavier places. I can now fully see, that, without the dark, it is impossible, to truly delight in life. Together, light and dark, they are wholeness. In a instant I felt liberated, I no longer wanted to get away from what feels dark within me. And, what I noticed has happened since, is that my not resisting those feelings, means, I am finding relief. As I embrace the dark, I discover her fruit of freedom.

And so, I am back to where I began, and I am inspired to share with you some encouragement. If, you are willing to stay the course of wholeness, including all of the dark, as my experience is unfolding, I can tell you there is a reward. There is liberation that can be found in wholeness.

As well, I noticed that one word kept coming up.

That word is ‘bereft’.

I kept hearing myself say it, “I feel bereft”.

So, I got curious.

‘What does it mean?’ I wondered.

‘What am I really saying, when I say those words, I feel bereft?’ I asked.

Here’s what I found… and this in the context of a sentence that beautifully creates a picture that resonates for me.

“Her room was stark and bereft of colour”

“Yes!” I thought, “I have been feeling stark, and bereft of colour.”

Looking further, here’s what I discovered…

Synomyms of bereft are, deprived of, robbed of, stripped of, cut off, devoid of, bankrupt of, in need of, lacking, without.

I also found that there is a connection to the word ‘bereave’, which is also connected to the word ‘deprive’.

All of that is true.

I have been feeling deprived and lacking.

The thing is. I thought it was from things outside of myself.

What I now see it this…

I have been depriving myself of parts of myself, and the time had obviously come for me to grieve those parts. And then, I see, to reclaim and embrace them.

As I have been with my sadness over these past few weeks, doing what I don’t normally do, which is allowing it, fully. Not trying to make it better, or to escape it in any way. At first I saw glimmers, light shining through the cracks.

For my whole life, I saw that I have denied my shadows and the dark places. Yes, for sure I have tried to allow them. And, I have even thought, at times, I have allowed them. And maybe I have, to some degree.

This though, has been deeper. Going right to the heart of my heart. I feel liberated, and therefore joyous too. All the time I have been afraid of the darkness, I see I have been missing the liberation and joy of embracing her.

Irresistable Acceptance

Recently, I have been experiencing what wholeness means, in a deeper way than I think ever before. I have written about my experiences in a series of three blogs. This is the second one.

If you’re a person who lives most of your life in the light, and find it difficult to go to those darker places, I invite you to read these blogs about my recent journey into darkness.

My intention in writing it is to share what I have discovered about the joys of wholeness. If you missed Part One you can find it here on my blog.

Part Two of a Three Part Blog

Irresistable Acceptance

Life can feel, through varying degrees, a little, and many times, a lot, out of control these days. As we look around in the world, we see extreme weather, and earthquakes. We see the leaders of nations, expressing outwards, their pain and hurt and fear. We hear about acts of violence, against the planet, and against one another, all of the time.

Closer to home, I know some of us are experiencing division and separation within our families. Many of us also work in environments that are still operating, from, and within, what I would call unhealthy ways of being. They are places that are driven by unwholly desires. Also, it is commonplace in our society, to feel we have to embellish and hide, and put on masks and not dare to show, anything we believe to be, our weaknesses, our failures, our fears.

All of this can mean we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and out of control, and, at the same time, unsure of what we can do, if anything, for things to be different.

I hold my hand up.

I have been feeling all of these things of late.

As I’ve looked around my life, I have faced some things that I have been resisting facing, and I have asked myself whether, I will run away, or, if I will stay put and simply be with what is.

This has been a big learning in acceptance for me. It has been a big learning, in not avoiding, or glossing over, or making the best of, or putting on a brave face about. I am being called to see, exactly what is, exactly as it is, and to feel, all the confusion, and helplessness, and bleakness, that has arisen out of it.

Before you wonder if you want to keep reading, and if you are finding it hard to stay with me here, I have good news! I have uncovered a way forward for myself.

I would like to share the process I worked through, a process that has shown me my next steps.

This is the process that has helped me transform my feelings of frustration and overwhelm, into feelings of calm and purpose. It’s a ‘step by step’.

Step 1. Write a list of all the situations in your life that feel overwhelming, frustrating, sad, or painful to you

Step 2. Write, in detail, how you feel about each of those situations, and, specifically, what it is about each situation that is making you feel that way

Step 3. Now, answer honestly, and write about everything you can do about each situation. Consider everything that is within your control, and write about that.

When I did this exercise, I discovered that for most of the situations I wrote about, there is nothing I can do about them, other than to accept, that is they way they are, and to commit to being, every day, aligned to what is true for me, and to taking any action, as I am required to take that action.

I discovered there were only three things on my own list that I could actually be proactive about. The next step in the process is to make a plan, and to take action straight away.

As a result of working through this process, I feel clearer, stronger, and more peaceful.

I wonder how you feel after doing this exercise? I’d love for you to let me know.

For me though, this story did not end there.

Tomorrow I will share the final part of this blog.

It’s time to dive deeper into wholeness!

Rumblings of Wholeness

Recently, I have been experiencing what wholeness means, in a deeper way than I think ever before. I have written about my experiences in a series of three blogs. This is the first one.

If you’re a person who lives most of your life in the light, and find it difficult to go to those darker places, I invite you to read these blogs about my recent journey into darkness.

My intention in writing, is to share what I have discovered about the joys of wholeness.

Part One of a Three Part Blog

I decided to break this down into three separate sharings, it’s quite long and I didn’t want to shorten it in any way.

I will post the next two blogs over the next two days.

Rumblings of Wholeness

A few weeks ago, it felt like the lid came off, and what felt like a bottomless well of sadness surged up inside of me. Continue reading

Something is brewing…

Do you ever experience those times when you know something is brewing? Do you ever feel, deep within you, from a place that’s hard to put into words, that something is about to erupt?

Do you ever sense there is something bubbling… gurgling… up?

I have been aware, for a few weeks now, that there is something going on for me, right now.

I’m also aware I am over a year into my menopause and I’m wondering if that may be the cause of this lack of peace I feel.

I have decided to write about this, here, because I am nudged it might help.

Continue reading

Do you ever worry that you’re just a bit too much?

I wonder, do you ever worry that you’re just a bit too much?

Too emotional, too sensitive, too ‘out there’, too ‘over the top’, too woo woo, too enthusiatic, too anything really…

Some time ago, I realised that I’d been walking around with a monkey on my back, for, well… for a long time… for as long as I can remember.

I was aware it had something to do with not feeling safe. I sensed that I didn’t feel safe… in life, in my relationships, in what I’m offering the world in terms of my gifts/my work. I discovered that the feeling, the fear, was literally, everywhere. It was all over my life.

Continue reading

My Relationship With Women

Dear Woman,

I don’t know about you, and I haven’t always felt safe and comfortable around other women.

I first became aware of it, I think, when I often felt like the odd one out at the all girls’ school I attended. I wasn’t one of the popular, pretty girls. I worked hard and I was good at exams. I usually came first or second in my class on my end of term report. Having red curly hair, and wearing glasses until my early teens, didn’t make it easy for me to blend in. I stood out, and I wasn’t comfortable about it.

Even before that, I related, more naturally, with my Dad. I felt safer with him in many ways, than with my Mum. She didn’t express her emotions very much, and I felt alone and out of my depth in handling my own sensitivity and feelings. It was easier for me to talk to my Dad, about logical things, and use my intellect, to reason and debate with him, rather than delve into the unpredictability (and, fear) of my inner world.

Continue reading

The benefits of spending time with other women, the power of pleasure, and an invitation for you.

The benefits of spending time with other women, the power of pleasure, and an invitation for you.

“There is something, I have experienced myself, and through working with my clients, that is vital for us as women, to be able to bring everything we have to offer, and everything we wish for, to bear in our lives. With the support of other women, we are way, way more easily able, to realise all our dreams and potential, no matter what that might look like.
There is magic that happens when we gather together as a group of women in this way. It is breath taking and awe inspiring.. tingle making! and, SO, MUCH, FUN!!”

I am excited to be writing to you today. I have an invitation for you.

Before I share more, I’m inviting you to pause for a while, and to take a deep breath… as you exhale, and relax, I wonder… how does it feel, if you imagine for a moment….

a deeply nourishing and nurturing space, for you to gather with like-hearted women. Continue reading

The Liberation of Surrendering to Pain

I’m excited my latest article, about my path to liberation through surrendering to my pain and the gifts I received as a result, has been published. Thank you elephant journal.

an excerpt…
“Men, as much as you are distracted and shackled, through seeing me through the narrow lens focused on my outward appearance, you are not able to stand, fully centered and strong, in your masculine power. You are not able to provide the clear-sighted support and direction that my feminine gifts are calling for. Men, I need your assistance in bringing my feminine power and wisdom into tangible action and form in the world.

Dear men, I ask you, please let now be the time you see me as I truly am. I am a woman and I am powerful. I am a life-giving presence in the world.

This is not just for men though, I am calling for us all… to be fiercer, more careful, and, ultimately, more loving. It was quite a push to write this, to be this bold, and, it felt important.

(heads up : some adult themes as well as a mindful message)

The Liberation of Surrendering to Pain.

Actions speak louder

Two words are front and centre for me just now… Powerful and Action.

I’m not American, and, this is affecting us all. On the morning I woke up to the news that Donald Trump had won the US Presidential election, I felt that in action, not reaction, was where I wanted to be.

Action = Powerful

Reaction = Powerless

I got quiet, I listened and I heard.

The first thing that happened was, a “Prayer For Guidance”, came to me (I will share it with you below).

The second thing that happened was, my prayer was answered. I knew what I was going to do.

Continue reading

My promise to Love

As I’m watching events unfolding in the US, I feel the urge to do something, as a British woman, to contribute, positively. I feel, at times, helpless as to what my contribution might be.

A little while ago I wrote a poem. It came to me as a response to what I see is happening, globally, in terms of the dawn of something good that is coming into being… a world where healthy feminine and masculine energies live together and work together, for the good of ALL.

My poem is my prayer to the divine, feminine and masculine, my apology for my past unconscious contribution to all that keeps us trapped in unhealthy ways of being, and, it is my promise to Love.

This is my poem.

Are you willing to walk beside me into the fire
Are you willing to hold me as I burn
As the flames take hold
Are you willing to be my witness as I lay all of me at your feet
Can you bear to rest loving eyes upon me as I reveal every last part of me

Will you gently hold me as I tell you about how I despise us
How your compliance, my compliance, in our enslavement, disgusts me
How I can’t bear to see your pathetic unaware desperate attempts to be loved and accepted, desired and wanted
They remind me, too much, of my own feeble attempts to please, to be good enough
My unaware manipulation, of you, that you would protect me
My unaware selling myself, so that you would keep me safe
So that I inspired your strength, so that I could bask in my weakness

It is time dear warrior, within and without
That I stand on my own trembling legs, and find the strength that I carry within me
It is time that I own my fears and cowardice
That I claim the fire in my belly and learn how to wield it’s power
I will not rely on you for my salvation, my home coming
It is not your burden to carry
I am sorry I have expected that you would

I give you back your power too, as I claim my own
I am ready dear one, for my masks, all of them, to fall
I am ready to bear my naked truth, to all of creation
I am ready to offer the gifts that I have been hiding
In service of all that is unfolding, for love, and for truth